It’s been 2 years since I lost Ami. I struggled a lot and went through emotional turmoil until I started documenting my grief on a blog and it helped me to channelise my emotions I was not able to speak about.
Most of the days I am happy, go getter, strong and someone who is leading a perfect life from the far perspective.
But our lives are not always as we see them superficially. It’s a second year of her death last year I thought it would be better next year and the grief will heal a bit but I forget the pain can feel so heavy that it becomes a matter of survival. The enormity of losing her is too much to carry without putting it somewhere.
I had been quite for no reason since yesterday but this time I didn’t cry much in prayers, I thought I am getting better and this year it would be better than last year. I went out for a jog in woods and saw one small kid stranded and she was crying I stopped and asked her why she’s alone, she said she lost her mother and can’t find her. This hit me do hardly and deeper inside, I felt crippled with the sudden burst of emotions and I told her see your mum is coming be happy now. At that moment I realised, I am not healed by trying to be the person I was before Ami died. I felt after losing Ami I could never be that person again. The tears started to flow unwillingly, unstoppably… I am broken down again at an unexpected time. Today I wore one of her ring and I kept holding it to my heart I felt it’s one of the last thing she wore before she died. I got shock of panic wash, like it’s happening all over again-my emotional anaesthetic just worn off!
People say losing a parent is a natural order of events, but those who’ve experienced it know how life-changing it is. This is my first and hardest loss.
I composed myself and When I got home, I didn’t want my son and husband to think I was falling apart. So I held a lot of my sadness inside. It’s hard to fully grieve, especially when you’re a parent.
Today, I try to find her old whatsapp messages again, hoping maybe she left a note or voice message for me somewhere. It frustrates me to do this, but I can’t help it. I just need one more piece of her, however tiny it is..