Oh Ma! It‘s an year since I lost you, last year this time I got the news you are no more! I am stronger than I thought I was; Watching someone like you who was strong become weak and bedridden, suffer and eventually drift away ate us internally every day.
Last year, I spent two months with her when she was severely sick and When I was getting back to Germany in January last year she hugged me tightly and said ‘ Let me hug you tight I know it’s the last time you are seeing me alive’. She was right because after months she passed away, my vibrant, happy, always on the move mom was now silent and gone for good.
In this one year I have never felt alone, helpless, I felt many times I am drowned in grief and quite for no reason. I started keeping social distancing from people and sometimes I fake it with a fake smile.
Even though I have a wonderful father who has gone above and beyond his paternal role to try and fill the hole, despite his own incalculable grief. He miss her more than us, he never stops talking about her. At the age of 74 when he needed her companionship more now he speaks often to her pictures now.
I hope You know ‘MA’ how big the hole is you left behind, true proof that You were loved so profoundly. Today I can understand someone who feels same way, the feeling is ugly when death took someone full of life and slowly suck out every ounce of what made you my mother but I miss you terribly.
Losing a parent changes who you are; I often tell people it’s like joining a shitty club that no one wants to be a part of. I am feeling whirlwind of emotions. There is saddens, numbness, tears from time to time. I know Ma You are with me and I know if I keep your memory alive you will live on.
Happy 1st anniversary in heaven ‘MA’ ….